just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
