The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
