your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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