Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
