My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
