are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
