whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize