sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
