Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
