Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Of course I have a pirate flag
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
