you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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