Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
