He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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