i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
