Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
