How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
