some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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