I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
