Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
