I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
