My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
