Say something about gay babies.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
