Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
