sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
