So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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