Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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