I can text with my tongue
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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