my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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