I think I won the penis lottery.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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