Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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