love makes seman taste better
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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