Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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