I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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