my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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