Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
