guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
