I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
