I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
