Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
