while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
