dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
