The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
