fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
