Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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