My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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