I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
