Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
birth control should be required to get into college
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
