I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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