So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
