On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
