Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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