There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
