At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
