There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
