i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
