i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
