cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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