We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
