I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
