All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
